In response to my good friend, and ex-San Franciscan, Anil Dash’s post on How To Visit New York, and because we are currently in the midst of All-Star Fever (Catch It!), I present to you a guide to visiting San Francisco.
But first off, I must ask you to bear in mind that I, like many of our citizens, am not native to this place but immigrated here not too long ago. So I can vouch that, yes, many of us are weird, although not as much as we think; and no, you should not be comfortable with most, if any, of it.
Hopefully by following these short and helpful guidelines you will show up prepared and enjoy your time here. Because it really is a nice place, once you get past most of the people.
I know it’s hot where you live, but it’s cold here right now. It doesn’t matter what time of year you might be reading this; it is ALWAYS cold here. Except in October. In October it is warm for about a week. Pack a sweater, a hooded sweatshirt (known to the locals as a ‘hoodie’), some long pants, mittens and a coat. This will save you from purchasing a Blue and Yellow Fleet fleece jacket at Pier 39 and getting your wallet or purse stolen on that very cute F-line.
Oh, and since we’re talking about what to wear: please stop with the hiking boots. Yes, we have hills, but they were paved a long time ago.
What to call it. Before you get here you should realize what ‘here’ is called. Your safest bet is just referring to it as ‘San Francisco.’ White collar tech workers who moved here during the dot com boom like to pass off as locals by cringing when you refer to it as ‘Frisco’, but honestly, that’s what the oldest of the locals call it. If you consider yourself an ultra hip individual you can refer to it as ‘The City’, but please never ‘San Fran.’
Don’t rent a car. You’ll spend your entire visit trying to park it. Take BART from the airport. It’s carpeted! And if you wanna go to the Mission, or Downtown, or the East Bay BART will do you right. If you’re going elsewhere, though, you’ll have to take MUNI. MUNI is awesome if only because it manages to unite the entire city in our hatred towards it.
We have gay people. Don’t be afraid; they’re not the weird ones. The nice Police Officer you asked for directions last night? Yeah. His name is Bob, he has a cute wife named Cindy, who also has a girlfriend named Pam, and they both share a transgendered robot lover named Chris, but only on Wednesdays and depending on Cindy’s cycle because she’s trying to get pregnant so the Chinese girl they adopted last year and named Satchell will have a friend to play with. They all met because they’re part of a Spiritual Raver society. No, not THAT Spiritual Raver society, the one that splintered off from that one.
All the good food comes in tubes. Get yourself to The Mission for a good burrito. Make it ‘super’ and don’t pay more than $7. Please don’t pick and choose what goes in it, just let them make it. And please don’t ask them how spicy it will be, they’ll know from your Blue and Gold Fleet fleece jacket to make it mild.
And speaking of eating; remember the vegetarian hippie you made friends with that first year in college because he always seemed to have a big sticky ball of hash to share? And remember how you took him home for Thanksgiving and your Mom spent the entire meal trying to convince him that turkey wasn’t meat because it isn’t beef? Well, most of us are vegetarians. We’re happy to invite vegans into our home because, hey, more ice cream for us! And we’re curious about the raw food eaters and like to tease them about whether sun tea is actually cooked or not, but we’re a little afraid of the freegans if only because we don’t want people going through our garbage and finding our copious amounts of porn.
We have no homeless people. Thanks to our lovely mayor’s Care Not Cash program homeless people are now obsolete.
It’s expensive here. If a local tells you how much their rent is they do NOT mean yearly. This will shock everyone except New Yorkers who pay even higher rents for the privilege of showering in their kitchen.
And most importantly; people here greet each other differently than in other places. Growing up in Philadelphia, when you were walking by someone and you happened to make contact you were both expected to nod towards each other. It wasn’t exactly friendly as much it was an ‘acknowledgment’ that neither was going to hurt the other one. When I moved to Austin I was completely thrown when I nodded at someone and they replied with a hearty and friendly “Hello there!!” I’m guessing that wherever you’re from the typical greeting might be somewhere in between those two.
In San Francisco, should you make eye contact with someone and either nod or say hello, you should expect them to turn their head slightly away from you, turn their nose up a bit and pucker their mouth as if you’ve just inserted a small lemon into it. Try to remember that they don’t mean to be rude, they’re just thinking of the excellent gas mileage they’re getting on their Toyota Prius.
(Photo by the great Scott Beale.)
Written by Mike Monteiro on July 9, 2007 | 
29 comments so far. Add yours below.
David says:
And don't forget the ball park! Even if you're not a huge baseball fan, a game at Barry Bonds Stadium is fun way to kill an afternoon.
July 10, 2007 12:26 PM
Lord Kook says:
Thank you for this. Especially the bit about the "Spiritual Raver Society". It made my day. :)
July 10, 2007 3:22 PM
Jas says:
Can I second the "Please don’t pick and choose what goes in it, just let them make it." bit? I hate it when the guy in line in front of me starts micromanaging his burrito.
July 10, 2007 3:24 PM
claveles says:
I lived in NYC before I moved to San Francisco, and I found SF to be expensive.
My favorite thing about tourists is watching them shiver in July as i walk down the street in my turtleneck.
July 10, 2007 4:47 PM
Allie says:
‘Frisco’ [is] honestly what the oldest of the locals call it.
Is that supposed to be a joke? I'm sixth-generation San Franciscan. Growing up, both my parents and my grandparents reacted to ‘Frisco’ as if it was a swear word. Maybe my 83 year old grandmother doesn't qualify among the "oldest of the locals"?
July 10, 2007 5:06 PM
Dat Nguyen says:
It's actually been t-shirt weather for a long time—it's really weird. It's never been like this before from my experience—the polar bears definitely aren't happy. But hey, this made my day.
July 10, 2007 10:29 PM
Gord Fynes says:
And I spent money on the SF Moleskine. Psh.
July 11, 2007 4:53 AM
Elisa says:
I'm guilty of visiting the city as a child from NY and bringing only shorts. My father did not take pity on me and buy me pants, so I froze my ass off and hated the whole trip. When I moved to the Bay 8 years ago, that memory was frozen into me and I brought lots of warm layers. And when I moved here, I found everyone on the street nodded and smiled when I did. The only rude people I ever found were on the MUNI, specifically the caucasin people on any bus going thru Chinatown.
July 11, 2007 9:57 AM
Elisa says:
I'm guilty of visiting the city as a child from NY and bringing only shorts. My father did not take pity on me and buy me pants, so I froze my ass off and hated the whole trip. When I moved to the Bay 8 years ago, that memory was frozen into me and I brought lots of warm layers. And when I moved here, I found everyone on the street nodded and smiled when I did. The only rude people I ever found were on the MUNI, specifically the caucasin people on any bus going thru Chinatown.
July 11, 2007 9:57 AM
Todd says:
Important burrito note - Don't unwrap all that foil! Peel the foil off as you go or the magic will be lost.
July 11, 2007 9:57 AM
Pat says:
When I moved from San Francisco(do not call it Frisco no matter what) and moved to Seattle, someone made some comment about it being cooler in Seattle. My reply, "Don't even say you've been to San Francisco. Obviously, you haven't. Seattle is positively balmy in comparison."
July 11, 2007 10:27 AM
Anonymous says:
Let me add this: just because it's a destination city, don't act like it's Disneyland. People live here. Don't throw your trash on the street, get the hell out of the way when you look at your maps on the street (and if I'm nice enough to ask you if you need any help don't look at me like I'm going to rob you) and stay to the right on the BART escalator because I've got a fucking train to catch. Thank you and please go home soon.
July 11, 2007 10:29 AM
Anonymous says:
No Homeless? Ummm..., which San Francisco are you exactly talking about?
July 11, 2007 12:24 PM
Rex says:
Dude, you are clearly not from here. Just another poser pontificating on what you think you know. This is most glaringly obvious by your vegetarian and burrito comments. Some of us might be veggies, but most are not, in the same way most of us are not gay. We are accepting of it all, and as a avid meat eater I am known to have a tofu or wheat gluten meal from time to time. Also, burrito customization is an art for burrito lovers. Only those who just moved here are too afraid to customize, locals know what they want, and how they want it.
No homeless, you are nuts. Go to the Tenderloin and tell me that again. Seriously, SF has one of the highest homeless populations in the world. The only thing you are really right about is the hoodie. We all own at least 10 different kinds of jackets/sweaters/hoodies, depending on the weather that day.
July 11, 2007 4:33 PM
nathan says:
he was obviously being sarcastic about the homeless
July 11, 2007 5:22 PM
David says:
Lee Ving called it "Frisco". Good enough for me.
July 11, 2007 5:47 PM
NotanElizaFan says:
Hey Elisa,
The only rude people I've experienced in San Francisco are on Muni too! And they happen to be the Chinese that shove their way in front to get on a train in the subway, that don't wait for the exiting passengers to get off, and then take up BOTH seats by sitting with their legs spread wide. It's funny how your experience and my experience both involve Chinese people! NEAT-O! We have so much in common!
July 12, 2007 10:26 AM
Anonymous says:
Most of us are vegetarians who never customize our burritos and never call it "San Fran"? It honestly sounds like you and everybody you know is a transplant except for maybe your Mission landlord. How long have you lived here?
July 12, 2007 10:32 PM
Rebecca says:
Rex must have his Sarcasm'o'meter turned off.
Seriously, though. Frisco? Cringe! Even though I live in Missoula, Montana now, I was born and raised in the City. My father moved there right after his service in World War II. We never called it Frisco. When I was a child no one we knew, even the "oldest of the locals" (from the 1940s to today), called/calls it Frisco. How old are these people using that name? 156?
July 13, 2007 11:57 AM
Anonymous says:
Yes, no 'San Fran' people. That's what people who think they're being hip call it. It seems lots of people from the East Coast call it that...get it straight! NO SAN FRAN!
July 13, 2007 2:54 PM
Anonymous says:
san fran is lamer than frisco is lamer than Ess-eFF is lamer than The City Is not lamer than LA.
July 17, 2007 4:46 PM
Anonymous says:
rex fails at the internet ahahaha
July 17, 2007 4:48 PM
Ron G says:
I was born in San Francisco. I work for a local tv station as a news photographer. I hate San Francisco. Everything it ever was is gone, and what is left smells really really bad. The mayor is a total asshole, and the Board of Supervisors belong on an asteroid penal colony. The special interests run the place, and the remark about Barry Bonds and Killing is not phrased quite right. I am out of her in 1041 days, when I retire, and I am going to sell my million dollar dump of a house, and never, ever come back to Baghdad by the Bay. Funny how appropriate that nickname is now.
July 19, 2007 6:44 PM
SF Native says:
Ron, please take Mike with you. All San Francisco needs is another holier-than-thou transplant idiot.
July 20, 2007 6:45 PM
Mr. Smellymop says:
Lee Ving could give a shit; me neither. Let the earthquakes rule.
July 20, 2007 8:56 PM
frisco says:
callitfrisco.com
July 26, 2007 11:44 AM
Scott says:
I thoroughly enjoy refering to San
Francisco as "Frisco" to people from
that area. It REALLY bothers them.
YOWCH!
"...San Francisco, where everybody thinks
they're heavy business." FZ
August 12, 2007 7:42 PM
Rick2L says:
Funny but, everybody I know actually stops to talk for a moment when they meet on the street. Yes, I'm often late for stuff, but I always blame muni.
August 19, 2007 10:38 AM
Michael says:
Ron G I can relate. I wasn't born here but have been through 3 decades and the City (and Bay Area as a whole) has really changed. I have several native friends who feel the same. We were hip I guess but didn't think about it and talk about it, and community was more evident, we talked about things that mattered. So many people now wear their faux outsider, off-the-boutique-rack lifestyle on their sleeves. Everybody is a brand. A lot of this disease of fakeness is in most cities. I think it's just the internet/marketing age, only more amped up here. I've tried to leave several times, but it happens to be a good place for work and I keep getting pulled back. I'd rather still be in New Mexico with the real people and real prices. I've found Pacifica as a place to call home, and it's the best I can do to get away from Bay Areattitude. I actually like Pacifica and rarely bother with the City.
July 1, 2009 5:19 PM